not always the best user of time

sometimes i wonder where my day goes.  when i’m at work, it’s amazing that all of a sudden its gone from 9:30 to 1:00 – totally forgot to eat lunch or even go to the restroom.  lots of stuff going on, lots of balls to juggle -so there is not time to really question where the day went.  my goal is always to stay in front of the deadlines or at least beat them and for the most part – it works.  but, i’m not sure i’m using my time at home as well.  that’s supposed to be my time to recharge and rest up.  it’s the only time that the phone is not ringing two lines at once, the only time i really get to choose what i’m doing and when.  i usually click on the tv, fire up the computer and try to unwind.  i just realized i was watching something on tv about a guy that has an alligator as an indoor house pet.  seems  they like it, don’t have to give it a bath but it can’t be house trained – so they got tile floors.  i don’t even know what to think about that.  then i realized i was watching a pepto bismal commercial  and now i know the song is going to be stuck in my head.  now there are a bunch of guys with these bouncy stilt things on their feet jumping over cars.  what am i doing?

but you can’t be on all the time and always pushing to be ‘productive’ or you will burn out.  so, i think i need to find a few good books – not books that expect you to do introspection or learn something.  just good take you to another place without causing you to wonder how much someone would pay to advertise if they knew this is what would be shown.  i’m watching a cat eat toilet paper.  maybe this is just a goofy show.  there’s a guy putting a rake in a blender.  i need to turn this off and go to bed or at least to one of those top 100 books you ought to read lists.

www

today i got to watch part of view that was captured during an online video chat with a soldier in Iraq.  one of our pastors was able to spend a few minutes with a soldier that is a member of our church just encouraging him and letting him share what was on his heart.  it was so amazing to imagine that not only can we connect with someone half a world away – but we can keep a copy of it and watch it over and over.  that made me think of when i looked at my blog stats and i could see that some people had found my note about aunt gloria when they did an internet search for her. two thoughts came from this.

you never know how or why someone will end up reading something you’ve written – even if you don’t post it online.  so, what you write – will it encourage the reader, does it speak truth (in love), is it filled with grace, does it add value?  Philippians 4:8 says – “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” – it think we should also write about such things.  that doesn’t mean ignoring real life, there are difficult things but how are you viewing and processing these things – through a screen of bitterness and frustration or are you genuinely seeking understanding?  i think that will be my goal, not to put on a fake ‘smile’ in what i say, but rather to use my words as an accountability tool for myself to keep my heart in check.

second thing i thought – i think if you care about someone you google them.  i have no basis for this other than it is what i have noticed.  at least in my generation – if there is someone you care about you have googled them at least once.  so i know that people cared about aunt gloria because she was googled.

YESSSSSS

my mom’s MRI and PET scan have come back clear.  the cancer appears to be completely contained.  there will be one last test where they sample a few of the lymph nodes to make extra sure there are no cancer cells there.  if it has not moved – then the oncologist has suggested that chemo will not be needed.  i can not begin to express how relieving, exciting, amazing all of this is.  i think that i am emotionally/physically tired from trying to not worry.  does that make sense? and now i feel like we have established ‘the lid’ of where this thing has gone and now we can begin to work our way back to normal life.  there is no more wondering ‘how bad is this going to get’.

it’s so odd to think that ‘just’ having a mastectomy and radiation would be exciting to us.  but it is – its the greatest relief.  tomorrow mom will make final decision on her plastic surgeon and then we will schedule an appointment with the specialist to finalize plans for surgery.  it’s about to get fast and furious but i think we are ready.

Do you believe in miracles

i believe in miracles, but this evening while i was challenged with the the fact that i don’t know if i expect them.  i believe God can heal people – i believe that life itself is a miracle and anything that happens to keep it going is miraculous.  but i’m talking about the kind of miracles that defy what is expected, where there can be no denying that something beyond human understanding or manipulation happened, where no one here on earth can take credit – that kind of miracle.  i believe that happens.  i hear stories of people suddenly being cured of cancer, surviving impossible odds and i think – how amazing must it be to be that person or that family.  to realize that beyond a shadow of a doubt – you are supposed to be here.

here’s what i also know – we are all supposed to be here, regardless of whether or not we think that someone went out of their way to keep us here.  the fact that we are still here means we have a purpose.  and the bigger thing is that God does have the ability to perform a healing that defies medical logic.  i believe it for other people – but can i ask for it for my family?

i realized this weekend that the most i had asked God for was guidence, wisdom, good doctors, little pain – all of those things.  i also know that His grace is sufficient and if that is what He provides – it is more than enough.  but He can and does suddenly heal people.  i think i didn’t ask because i was afraid He would say ‘no’ and that would feel like defeat or like it was a silly thing to ask.

so it seems easy – now that i’ve realized this fact, just ask God to heal my mom and then i’ve asked for a miracle.  but for some reason, it’s not that easy.  i think its not that easy because i wonder in my heart of hearts do i really expect Him to do it?  i think i’m getting there where – to the place where i not only know that God can do it but i believe that He would do it.

Aunt Gloria

i got a call from my mom this morning saying that my aunt gloria had hospice coming to the house.  i got a call from my dad this evening saying that she had passed away.  she was diagnosed with cancer a couple of months ago and just never really bounced back.  they did chemo, but it was really hard on her body and not very effective against the cancer.  i’m not sure what to think about all of this.  its hard to face someone not getting through cancer when you know people that are getting ready to face the harder parts of the fight.  so, i don’t want to think about it but that doesn’t feel right either.

everyone’s home

well, the end/beginning of year holidays are over and everyone is back home. my brother managed to get home despite all the storms in california. he would probably prefer for me to say he got back to his base since he considers my parents house home.

my mom and i spent some time last night with one of the ladies i work with that has been through breast cancer. she is 9 years out and doing just fine. they are considering an a similar approach to reconstruction for my mom as they did for her. it uses your own tissue instead of implants and we are all about keeping this as natural as possible. the fewer foreign objects in your body – the better. it was so helpful to hear from someone that has a faith centered approach to life speak about what she she went through. she was honest that it was not easy, not for her or her family. however, she did get through it and she’s a stronger person because of it. she also used to be an oncology nurse so she was able to speak with an understanding not just as a patient but as a medical person. she has the utmost respect for my mom’s doctor since she personally worked with him for several years and that helps us so much as we put our trust in him to tell us what we need to know and do.

the PET scan is tomorrow and then i believe that’s the last of the tests before we schedule a surgery date. the MRI came back, we haven’t been to the doctor with the results but my mom read them and it says the right side appears to be clear. that’s huge! not just because it means she will be able to keep the right breast (if the PET scan is clear) but also if it has not spread beyond the left breast the oncologist is suggesting that chemo may not be necessary – just radiation. i saw this lady on TV the other day talking about when she went through radiation. she said she went every morning at 8:00am and then she went to work. it didn’t affect her life any more than that.

Tag Line

right now my tag line reads “figuring it out”.  and i do have a few things to figure out.  i’m thinking that writing it out – in journal type of format would be a good way to sort through my thoughts and keep track of things.  this year Christmas was on a tuesday.  the thursday before my mom’s doctor called and said she had breast cancer.   he didn’t give any more information than that and told her she needed to find a surgeon.  this was less than helpful or compassionate, fortunately we were able to get her in to see my doctor who reviewed her test results and talked through some things with us and got us in to see a breast specialist.

  

Christmas went well.  it was nice to have my brother home from the air force, especially knowing that he will be heading back to Iraq in February.  my sister just graduated from college and was home for a couple of weeks.  the next monday my mom, dad and i all went to see the surgeon.  he was the same person i went to when i had some benign lumps that needed to be removed last year so we know that he’s pretty good.

  

he diagnosed my mom with invasive lobular carcinoma.  he said it’s a medium to large tumor and he doesn’t think their is lymph node involvement but we won’t know until the surgery.  since then my mom has had an MRI, met with a plastic surgeon and an oncologist.  in a couple of days she is going to have PET scan.

  

in the middle of all of this – my brother is preparing to leave for Iraq, i’m dating an amazing man and we are figuring out what our next step together is, i’ve been given some added projects at work that i have wanted to be able to tackle for a while now.  so there are lots of things to process through and figure out where the time and the emotional boundaries need to be drawn.